The new school year is just about upon us. Students across the United States will be back in classes in seven days, including yours truly. This week, as I wind down the very final days of summer and try to get back into the school mind-set, I have been spending some time considering my classmates. You see, law school attracts some interesting people (in all senses of the word) and I’ve missed some of those buggers over the past few months. So to celebrate their general awesomeness/entertainment value I bring you this non-exhaustive list of all the people you will ever meet in law school! (It’s non-exhaustive primarily so I can recycle the idea next time I am too lazy to come up with a real topic. Also, full disclaimer, I got my inspiration from this piece, which is both more original and funnier.)
Enjoy, and be sure to let me know who I’ve missed and where you fit.
The ones who would have gone to med school, except blood makes them throw up.
These students are quietly better than everyone else, and they know it. They are genuinely smart, and not given to crazy cutthroat law school behavior because they already know they are more intelligent than everyone else. No seriously, they are. I mean, have you ever seen an MCAT? That is some crazy baloney. Or watched Grey’s Anatomy? McDreamy opens up peoples’ heads, for the love of god. Much respect.
The ones who sit in coffee shops and talk, loudly, about the law.
These students are the same sort that will one day ride a train to and from work while yelling, loudly, about work on their cell phones. This talk will be interspersed with thinly veiled crude jokes, all while they drink beer from a brown paper bag. Both now and then they will annoy you. But your annoyance will be tinged with pity, since you know masturbation is really their only option.
The ones who sit in coffee shops and look like their dog just died.
Go home, man. You’re not being deep, just a downer.
The ones who take pride in not drinking coffee.
Seriously, get over yourself. I promise you this: out of all the junk law students put into their bodies, coffee should be the least of your worries. If having pride over your ability to avoid a completely legal and only minimally physiological altering substance is the best thing you have going for you, well, that’s sad.
The ones who are law school hot.
This is the greatest gift to a law student. Genuinely good-looking people do not go to law school. They are too busy doing more fun and interesting things, like being CEOs or underwear models. So, in law school land, the Drew Barrymores and Justin Longs become the Brads and Angies. (Side note: Can someone please explain to me how that woman managed to parlay a chance rendezvous with an alien into a thirty year career, despite a pretty significant speech impediment and total lack of talent?) Anyhow, if you are one of these lucky few, congratulations and enjoy it. If not, don’t be too upset, we’ll have to venture back out into the real world eventually and with it will come a return to mediocrity for all.
The ones who are normal hot.
This is a myth.
The ones who have been president of everything.
Including, but not limited to: their high school class; their college class; their Sunday school class; the high school down the street; their sorority; the chess club; the “Saving it for Marriage Club”; the “Oops… Saving the Second Time for Marriage Club”; the dirty girls social club; that club that organizes those parties where ladies come to your house in smocks to sell make-up, baskets or sex toys; the PTA; the Neighborhood Watch in SimCity; that club you and your friends created when you were eleven which had the sole purpose of hanging out down by the pond and explicitly qualifying the power hierarchy of your clique; the Young Republicans and General Electric.
The ones who are aliens.
Like llamas and people who don’t spell check the signs they bring to Tea Party rallies, these students will intrigue and confuse you, but you’ll ultimately find them unimportant. After all, who really cares how you stack up to someone who isn’t even human?
The ones who are secretly amazing.
These students aren’t on Law Review or some other prestigious organization, and didn’t earn a random award during 1L, so there aren’t any big red flags that they are law school awesome. But then, one day you’ll be chatting with them at the bar and all of the sudden they will (genuinely on accident) mention the amazing firm they summered at or the fantastic clerkship they have lined up and you’ll be like, “HOLY SHIT SAY WHAAA?!?!” And they’ll be (again, seemingly genuinely) embarrassed and modest, and graciously turn the conversation back to snow cones or gladiators or Snooki or whatever crap you were chattering on about beforehand. When the discussion eventually ends you’ll be filled with a quiet feeling of warmth and disbelief, comforted by the knowledge that not everyone who is successful feels the need to be a huge douchey braggart about it.
The ones who are not-so-secretly amazing, yet are gracious about it.
The ones who are not-so-secretly amazing, and are cocky jerks about it.
Don’t let these students bother you too much. In fifteen years they will have two kids, half a house, alimony payments and a cocaine habit.
The ones who refer to their professors by their first names.
My hypothesis is that the professors are the closest things they have to real friends, and I mostly just feel bad for them.
The ones who refer to their professors by nicknames.
Depending on the caliber of nickname, this is either awesome or just trying too hard. Usually the latter.
The ones who brag about not going to class.
Newsflash: we all miss class sometimes. This is because we are adults, and tequila is, inexplicably, still legal. But guess what? Spending two hundred thousand dollars to sit in your off-campus university housing apartment and watch reality TV for 112 hours a week is NOT something to brag about.
The ones the RSVP to all law school functions on their Blackberries immediately, leaving no room for people who spend their time doing unimportant things like paying attention in class or having a life that doesn’t involve constantly staring at cancer radiating cellular devices.
Seriously, give a girl with a flip phone a fifteen-minute delay, would you?
The ones who find magical law school love during 1L and then take classes together and hold hands under the tables.
Their kids will be smarter than yours, too.
The ones who get really drunk and throw up every weekend, and then pretend like it’s a surprise and say, “Wow that hasn’t happened since undergrad.”
Logic would suggest that you could only do this one time and preserve any sort of legitimacy, yet there are those who continue to offer the same explanation every single Monday. On one hand, they are the sort of people who become entertaining law school legends. On the other hand, this is a professional school, and it’s probably best that the first association your future colleagues have with your name does not involve the time you woke up in the student center lobby, covered in vomit, using a hornbook as a pillow. We all make mistakes, but c’mon, get yourself together.
The ones who get really drunk and throw up every weekend because they hate their lives.
These people are called alcoholics and it’s not nice to make fun of us.
The ones who send “tips” about fellow students to Above the Law.
I swear to god if I ever get dirt on you I’m plastering it across a Times Square billboard.
The ones who actually comment on my blog.
You are my favorite, and possibly mythical.
As I said, this list is currently not exhaustive, so tell me who I missed. Otherwise, good luck with classes starting/LSAT studying. And take comfort in the fact that, at least until 2012, summer will eventually return.