A) Note to future lawyers: Never begin your closing argument with, “Now in our white world…” Chicago Tribune.
B) As this heat wave engulfs the country, be thankful you’re not in prison. New York Times.
C) Turns out, it wasn’t bath salts that caused the guy in Florida to strip down and eat a homeless man’s face. You may resume getting high off bath salts. CNN.
D) The only thing better than one Madoff slimeball named Madoff is two Madoff slimeballs. Bloomberg.
E) Hoax? Where we’re going, we don’t need…a hoax. BuzzFeed.