As a successful web-blogger of some renown, it has become increasingly difficult to maintain a semblance of normal day-to-day life. Why, just the other day a man in the street, with whom I am quite certain I was not previously acquainted, asked me out of the blue for change!
“Well!” I replied, “if you don’t like my blog, then you needn’t read it! I shan’t change myself for the likes of you, a mere beggar. Good day, sir!”
That seemed to assuage his pestering, as he bothered me no more. And in hindsight, I should be glad that he was a reader at all. After all, someone who is an unsatisfied fanatic is better than someone who is not a fanatic at all! But I thought that perhaps he had a point. Perhaps the time had come for sweeping innovative change.
I wracked my brain for ways I could “spice up” this page, if you’ll forgive the colloquialism. Bare bosoms and animated flames seemed the obvious choice, but those were deemed too pedestrian for a page of such prestige. I considered using more colorful language, and while that does seem to bring “customers in the door,” such language can be offensive to women, children, and animals. I even considered downright bribery, wherein visitors to the web-site would be given some sort of shiny trinket to be dispensed through their floppy-drive. However, the fool in charge of our information technology department seems to think this impossible, in spite of having done absolutely no inquiry into the matter. I have requested his termination. Any-way. It seemed that I had truly reached an impasse.
Then I had it! Why confine myself to the written word? Why not use my skills as an artiste for the good of the website (and through it the good of mankind)? I decided that I would paint a weekly internet-cartoon about the law, and quickly purchased an illustration-utensil, parchment, and a drawing-board. Shortly after sitting in front of the blank paper, however, I realized to my dismay that I know nothing about either drawing or the law. Never one to back down from a challenge, I put charcoal to paper and angrily forced the creativity out of the angry little stub of a pencil. What resulted I reproduce here with only the greatest trepidation.
The illustration was quickly burned. It was back to the drawing board, then, which was burned as well. I only hoped that my aesthetic failure wouldn’t lead to a world war. Just to be safe I also burned the charcoal, which worked surprisingly well, giving off a pungently mesquite odor. At that point this was the most successful part of the entire endeavor thus far, and I celebrated with a bottle of Scots Whiskey.
Soldiering on, I put on my “thinking cap,” resolving to come up with an intelligent, insightful, thought-provoking gimmick. My thinking cap was apparently defective, because the ideas did not flow as readily as the Whiskey. I don’t recall what happened thereafter, but upon waking up in my own mess the next afternoon, I found that I was still encountering a dearth of ideas. Which is when it struck me, as hard as a longshoreman strikes his wife; I don’t need any fancy new ideas! Every week, literally tens of readers come to this site. Do they come to look at the design or to see the pictures or to smell the screen – no, the come to read words! My words, on occasion! And what could be better than that? So I have decided that I will not be “spicing up” this site, critics-in-the-street be damned! If that man doesn’t want to read my words anymore, so be it, I can stand to lose five per-cent of my readership.