Opera and Froyo: The Supreme Court LSAT Grouping Game

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Note: The following statements are purely fictional. The names listed are in no way intended to represent actual people. Any allusions to real events are merely coincidental.

Nine Supreme Court Justices: Alito, Breyer, Ginsburg, Kagan, Kennedy, Roberts, Scalia, Sotomayor, and Thomas, are presiding over the case California v. United States (2012), involving California’s ‘Remove Arizona from the Union Act’. At issue is whether it is constitutional for California, the most populous, economically powerful, and generally awesome state, to force the secession of Arizona from the United States due to its controversial immigration policies. The Justices will vote either ‘For’ or ‘Against’, according to the following conditions:

Thomas will vote ‘Against’ if and only if Alito and Scalia also vote ‘Against’. However, if asked to vocally explain his ‘Against’ decision, Thomas will self-destruct.

Scalia will vote ‘For’, departing from his usual rigid conservatism in order to win over Ginsburg’s heart, unless Ginsburg puts an end to their traditional Saturday night opera date.

If Kagan votes ‘For’, then Sotomayor will also vote ‘For’, in order to repay Kagan for getting Froyo in the Supreme Court cafeteria (see #3).

If Alito, Scalia, Kennedy, and Thomas vote ‘Against’, then Roberts will also vote ‘Against’, except if he decides that the future of the Court depends on his being a huge boss and voting ‘For’. In this case, he will vote ‘For’, and do whatever he damn well pleases afterward.

If Romney is appointed to the Court, he will vote ‘For’, and then change his mind and vote ‘Against.’ He will then point out that he likes firing people, and end with the following quote: “I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that’s the America millions of Americans believe in. That’s the America I love.”

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