Meet Your New Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch

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We have a new Supreme Court Justice! Here’s what you should know about Neil Gorsuch.

0. It’s Pronounced GORE-SUCH

Al Gore claimed he invented the Internet, promoting many to go, “Ugh, Gore such a faker.” Gore such. Gorsuch.

1. Catholic School to Prep School

Gorsuch went to Catholic school as a boy, and then to the Georgetown Preparatory School. I went to plain-jane public school, so I’m not exactly sure what this all means about ol’ Gorsuch, but one things for sure—Gorsuch knew how to make a tie knot or two way before the rest of us plebes did.

2. Raised by An Environmentalist (in a way)

Gorsuch’s mom was head of the EPA, but she was an environmentalist the way Homer Simpson was a safety inspector at the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Gorsuch’s mom was appointed by Ronnie Reagan to reduce the EPA’s reach and put the onus of environmental regulation back onto the states. That’s, at least, one way to look at it. One of her key accomplishments at the EPA was to make sure we had more lead in our gasoline. Delicious.

3. Wasn’t on Law Review

Gorsuch’s spent his undergrad time at Columbia University where he wrote for the school newspaper, the Daily Spectator, and co-founded a rival paper, The Fed. This kind of background suggests—along with Gorsuch having been an academic stud—that he would have been perfect for his law school’s law review. He went to Harvard Law School, by the way. Alas, Gorsuch did not make it. Instead, he was on a “secondary journal.” But look at him now!

4. Wants Old People to Die from Starvation, Infection, or Thirst

Gorsuch, while a partner at the uber-prestigious litigation boutique, Kellogg Huber, completed a PhD. in legal philosophy. He argued that, basically, it was always wrong to provide assisted suicide or euthanasia.

What this means is that Gorsuch thinks that the better way to go out is to just die from starvation, infection or thirst – the way most old and terminally ill folks have to end their lives when they don’t have access to euthanasia. Sounds kinda harsh, but maybe he never watched Billion Dollar Baby.

Curiously, while it’s never okay to help the sick and the old end their lives without massive suffering, the death penalty is just fine with Gorsuch.

5. Want’s to End Chevron Deference

This is boring, so I’ll keep it short. Gorsuch doesn’t like the current balance of power between administrative agencies and the courts. He’d like to see the courts take back more power.

6. Textualist, Originalist

Look for Gorsuch to give us opinions interpreting the Constitution and its amendments as they were thought of back when they were enacted. He’ll also try to interpret statutes literally, without reference to legislative history or policy considerations. In these ways, he’s a lot like Scalia.

Conclusion

So there you have it, he’s smart, his tie knot muscle memory is well ingrained, he hates old people, and he (probably?) has a grudge against the Harvard Law Review.

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