Twas the night before Christmas Eve, when all through my house
Not a body was stirring, for they had long since passed out.
The dishes stacked up, the floor reeking of beer,
It’s about damn time for my LSAT score to get here.
My 1L roommates curled up fetally in their beds,
With visions of tort finals terrorizing their heads.
Laying in bed wearing only one sock,
After a fifth of peppermint schnapps, I was out like a rock.
When out in the yard there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bathroom floor to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and puked up corned beef hash.
I was instantly hit by the frigid So Cal air,
That night it had to be mid-60s, like totally, I swear.
When my eyes regain focus, I’m taken aback,
A limo pulls up, license plate reads: I<3LSAC.
Out stepped the little old driver, his expression sincere,
I knew that my LSAT results were finally here.
Faster than Tiger at a cocktail bar they came,
The law schools I wanted, I called them by name!
“Now, Harvard! Now, Yale! Now, Stanford and NYU!
On, Berkeley! On, Chicago! On UCLA too!
Send me a fee waiver and I’ll apply to you all,”
“Sir, your future is on line two,” “Yes, I will take that call!”
And then, in the night, down the rear window rolls,
An envelope sticks out, more valuable than the Dead Sea Scrolls.
As I drew in my head, and tumbled down the stairs,
I thought of platypuses and dinosaurs, and of course those damn bears.
I rushed out the door, leaving the Snuggie behind,
Stole my roommates’ new dress shoes, he probably won’t mind.
Staggered towards the limo, with all the strength I had,
Like the Precious to Gollum, we wants that score, we wants it bad.
How amazingly mundane! How obscenely PC!
So sick of the life lessons the LSAT’s given me!
No drinking, no smoking, better watch that salt as well,
Global warming and Japanese sculptors can both go to hell.
A bad score would surely ruin any holiday cheer I had,
On a scale from 1 to Chris Brown, I’d be really fucking mad.
After teaching and tutoring the LSAT for over three years,
Anything under a 172 would bring me to Nancy Kerrigan like tears.
An amazing score would deem those hours studying well spent,
And a little scholarship cash would help my broke ass pay rent!
During these months spent toiling, I sweat, I shook, I stank.
It better pay off with a “Yes!” from a high U.S. News rank!
I opened the envelope, and what horror should I find,
The package was empty, just like Katie Holmes’ mind.
As my hope was crushed, my heart shrank three sizes that day.
I will be sending no thank you notes to the folks in Newtown, PA!
With that the car sped off, the driver laughing in my face,
All hopes of a pre-Xmas score, gone without a trace.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
“Scores coming by Monday, so long and good-night!”