We’ll never understand how Screech, Zack, Lisa, and Mr. Belding all decided to simultaneously pick up from Indianapolis and move to Los Angeles. I mean, we understand why, just not how. That’s a whole lot of simultaneous moving, and we assume it shattered the Indianapolis public school system while simultaneously decreasing the city’s population by 32%.
However, we do know that they found a new home at Bayside in sunny California, and the rest is history.
We watched them grow up. We watched them laugh and love. Would Kelly and Zack get married? Would Screech and Lisa ever kiss? Would Jessie end up doing soft-core porn with Kyle Maclachlan? Who could have known the answer to all three would be yes?
Then, they graduated and moved on to college. Good ol’ Cal U. Another stage in the lives of Kelly, Zack, Screech, and Slater was written.
But then what? Law school. It’s the only answer that makes sense. But first, they’d have to get through the LSAT.
1) Zack Morris
Zack is the itinerant slacker, always looking for the easy way out. Sometimes, he’d take the harder way out just to avoid doing homework. Sometimes, he’d dream up rock bands. Always, he’d have that flowing, blond hair.
Despite his reputation for ducking scholastic achievement, he did receive a 1502 on his SATs. This tells us that he does well on standardized tests. However, he’d probably put off studying until the night before, then come up with some crazy scheme to steal the test or date the daughter of the LSAC president. Either way, we predict that he’d hit a 162 on his first practice test and improve slightly on test day, say a 165. After all, he was always good under pressure.
2) Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers
The man created a robot. Not just the expected vacuum hooked up to a Speak and Spell sex robot. A sentient robot! Named Kevin! I don’t know why I’m so excited about that name, but it’s pretty impressive.
Screech was obviously a smart guy. Very good at math and science. He even tutored Kelly so that she could attend a George Michael concert, if that makes any sense.
We predict that he’d score fairly well on the Logic Games because of his analytical mind. Despite his social awkwardness, we also think he’d do well on Logical Reasoning. He was usually the one to call Zack on his BS and see through the plotline to the lesson that we were supposed to learn.
However, Reading Comp would bite him in the ass. It wouldn’t tank his score, but it’d hurt him enough. Expect to see a 165 on score release day, thus ensuring that he’d end up at the same school as Zack, yet again.
3) Kelly Kapowski
There would be a lot of pressure on Kelly to do well on the exam. Coming from a family with an at-times unemployed father means that she’s going to need a scholarship to pay for law school. She’s also used to working hard and having a lot of responsibilities, so expect her to prep well.
However, she was never as smart as Jessie or Screech (or, apparently, Zack). While prep can increase your score, hitting that highest level isn’t always possible, especially with normal levels of study. With all of her extracurriculars, Kelly wouldn’t be able to fit in all of the prep she would like. I’d expect her to see a 158 on test day, possibly higher if things broke her way.
She’d be relying on softs to get her into those reach schools.
4) Lisa Turtle
Oh, how she’s disappointed her parents! Med school was always the path laid out for her, and now she’s forsaken all that for law school.
Coming from a unique background (Fashion Institute of Technology), Lisa realizes that she needs to prove her academic mettle with a high LSAT score. Sure, the GPA is important, but a degree in fashion will raise some flags with a low LSAT score.
Additionally, the girl has some serious financial backing from her two surgeon parents. Expect her to enroll in a course AND drop some cash on one-on-one tutoring. Since this is something she wants, and Lisa always gets what she wants, she’ll put the time and effort in to score as well as she can. Lucky for her, her weakest section (Logic Games) is also the most learn-able. Expect her to bang out a 169 on test day – not at the same level as her hero (Elle Woods), but still a respectable score.
5) Albert Clifford ‘A.C.’ Slater
The traditional jock, A.C. Slater was never known for his excellent academic record. However, much was expected of him coming from a military family. This combination will lead to A.C. having the discipline to study well for the LSAT.
We imagine A.C. as going it alone, prepping straight from books with many practice exams. At first, he’ll struggle to figure out the concepts, but they’ll come eventually. His score in the low 160s, say 161, wouldn’t be the highest amongst his friends, but he’d certainly feel that he earned it. Plus, the writers will force everyone to go to the same school anyway, so why reach for Yale?
6) Jessie Spano
We’ve all seen how Jessie deals with pressure – pills. Obviously, she’d hit up her GP for Adderall while prepping for the exam to enhance her study habits. Eventually, she’d have a breakdown while singing an ’80s classic by the Pointer Sisters before turning to a life of less-than-family oriented films.
However, once she got off the coke and came back to reality, she’d pick the LSAT books back up and stay on track this time. Her intelligence and hard work would pay off, and the sordid tale of her life would allow for an amazing personal statement. Expect HYS for Jessie.
7) Tori Scott
Tori showed up for a confusing half of a season, and we’re not even sure she went to college. However, assuming this enigmatic biker graduated with a Bachelor’s, we expect that she’d be the one to jump up after the first section or two when time is called, say something cooler than I can come up with, and walk out. As everyone else sits there in shock, they’ll hear her Harley rev up as she charges into the sunset, never to be seen again.