The NBA Playoffs tip off this weekend, and I’m so excited I could elbow someone in the head.
Among the notable storylines in the Western Conference this year are the veteran Spurs locking down the No. 1 seed, the high-flying Clippers returning to the postseason for the first time in six years, and the defending champion Dallas Mavericks limping in as the No. 7 seed because they spent too much time this season wiping down last year’s trophy. In the Eastern Conference, the Bulls earned the top seed, the No. 3 seed Pacers will face the Dwight Howard-less Magic, and the Knicks will battle LeBron James’s receding hairline and the Miami Heat.
Although most players didn’t graduate college, it takes brains to win in the NBA Playoffs. You spend months and months preparing for the big stage, and once you get there, you find that mistakes are exponentially more detrimental than in the regular season.
In a way, the NBA playoffs are a lot like LSAT test day. So how would some of the big names in this year’s NBA Playoffs fare on the LSAT? Let’s screen and roll:
KEVIN DURANT, Oklahoma City Thunder — 178
For the third straight season, the Durantula won the NBA scoring title. This time he averaged 28 points per game, edging out Kobe Bryant by a mere 0.1 PPG. And it wasn’t an accident. Durant can score from any spot on the floor, making him nearly impossible to guard. Applying that type of power to the LSAT would no doubt result in a dominating LSAT score.
DERRICK ROSE, Chicago Bulls — 170
I almost wonder if Rose would excel more on the LSAT than in basketball because he wouldn’t have to rely on any teammates. The Bulls might be the top seed in the East, but does no one remember last year when Rose had to essentially take on his team’s entire offensive duties? It was like watching someone play with his create-a-player on the hardest level of a video game. If anything can make people around you disappear, it’s an LSAT prep book. Slam dunk.
BLAKE GRIFFIN, Los Angeles Clippers — 165
This would be Griffin’s first go at the LSAT, but he loves the big stage. He’d be well rested and full of adrenaline. He’d jump over three tables just to get the best seat in the classroom. During the test, he might talk a little trash and another LSAT test taker might push him to the floor and get kicked out of the building, but that’s okay because it would only pump up Griffin more. Though he’d stumble on his logical fallacies (the free throws of the LSAT), Griffin would finish strong, slam his pencil into the trash bin, and drive home happy in his sporty, fuel-efficient Kia.
DWYANE WADE, Miami Heat — 143
LSAT test day would get off to an auspicious start for Flash when LSAT proctors force buddies LeBron James and Chris Bosh to wait outside. Without any off-the-ball help, the LSAT could double-team Wade with a time-consuming logic game and a reading comp passage about Columbian ant colonies — maybe even throw in a pencil-tapping LSAT proctor for a triple-team. AIR-BALL! AIR-BALL! AIR-BALL!
KOBE BRYANT, Los Angeles Lakers — 177.9
See “Kevin Durant.”
STAN VAN GUNDY, Orlando Magic — 124
The Magic have been surrounded by controversy ever since head coach Stan Van Gundy told reporters that star center Dwight Howard has been lobbying for Van Gundy’s firing all season. Howard essentially quit on the team and is out of the playoffs with a “back injury.” If Van Gundy was an LSAT prep student, it would be like one of his study buddies — let’s call him Height Doward — feeding him incorrect answers and stealing all his pencils. Stan Van would ask Height Doward for a ride to the LSAT test center on LSAT test day, and Doward would have “car trouble.” What a magical disaster. I don’t see Orlando winning a series in the playoffs this year, and I don’t see Stan Van cracking 130 on the LSAT.
What do you think? How would Carmelo Anthony or Dirk Nowitzki or Josh Smith or Zach Randolph or Jeff Van Gundy fare on the LSAT? Chime in the comments.