Rafting Down The Law School River. Literally.

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The University of Colorado Law School is putting on a “Law of the Colorado River” seminar. This is hilariously outrageous.

First thing you need to know is that a seminar is exactly like a class but no one does the reading and everyone has to speak, every class. So essentially, once a week you exchange completely uninformed opinions with about a dozen overly (passive) aggressive people who grew up priding themselves on the fact that they love to argue. This is usually such a grating experience that to entice students into participating in seminars, law schools will make the professors grade on a much easier curve than usual.

The University of Colorado has figured out a way to make seminars even more insufferable. The Colorado River seminar will take place on a freaking raft, on the Colorado River, over a fourteen-day period. I can barely stand being in the elevator on the way up to my seminar classroom with the other people. Fourteen days on a raft? How did that meeting go? “Hey, let’s spice seminars up by adding motion sickness, the body odors brought out by two weeks in the wilderness, and putting the statistically least athletic segment of the population into a life and death battle with the elements.” Brilliant.

What I’d like to know is, who are the freaks signing up for this thing? If you’re one of them and you’re reading this, I want to interview you, but only if they roll you into the room in full Hannibal-level restraints. I’m not taking any chances. After all, we are still that same exact species that ran through Europe murdering and cannibalizing the Neanderthals.

That reminds me. In the extreme circumstances following a shipwreck, you can — it’s possible with a sympathetic jury — get away with cannibalizing the weaker seamen (or women!). How annoying do your fellow classmates have to get during a fourteen-day rafting mistake for you to justifiably cannibalize them?

The other shocking thing here is that this seminar will cost $4k per person. Does this fee include the resocialization programs we’ll have to put these students through so they can reintegrate into society on their return? Three-Ls are already enough of a drag on humanity without further straining Obamacare.

Finally, what about bar review? “Bar review” is what most people call Thursday. But in law school, Thursdays are for law students — having made it through a whopping four-day work week of 4 to 6 hour days — to get trashed and make other bad choices in front of all their peers. Do you think there is any chance that this self-selected group of poor decision makers will pass up on holding a bar review on the river? Me either.

Anyway, by the time this piece get published, if anyone has passed away —from cannibalism, dysentery, or whatever other Oregon Trail malady these people have in store for them — I sincerely apologize for my rant and my thoughts are with the family of the deceased.

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