Rachel Lindsay is a practicing attorney who once took the LSAT. And you, dear reader, are an aspiring attorney who will soon take the LSAT. Rachel Lindsay is also an aspiring married person, serving as the Bachelorette on this season of The Bachelorette, the love story these depraved times deserve. And you, dear reader, may also be an aspiring married person? Either way, you definitely have at least a few things in common with Rachel. So every Tuesday, we’re going to be tracking Rachel’s romantic journey on The Bachelorette, and see what we can learn about love, loss, and the LSAT. Welcome back to the Logical Rose-ning Section.
Last time: We had a fourteen-hour Bachelorette marathon that ended with Rachel in a Michael Myers mask and eliminating huge swaths of also-rans like Jack Stone, Anthony, and Josiah. They were also in Scandinavia, so they did classic Nordic activities like repelling, competitive handballing, and playing Vikings. We were left with the final six—Bryan, Peter (heretofore referred to as Piggo, due to a striking resemblance to a young Viggo Mortensen), Dean, Eric, Matt, and Adam. Four of these guys have been given an emotional arc and back story and evidence of a romantic connection with Rachel this season. The other two have dressed up like a penguin one time and brought a creepy depression era-looking doll, and haven’t done much since. Wonder which of the four Rachel will choose for hometowns next week!
Open to: sweeping vistas of the Alps, quaint towns, dairy farms, churches, financial sectors used by the wealthy to shelter assets, and a not very subtle foreshadowing to what these guys are thinking about now that they’re on the precipice of fantasy suites.
That’s right. We’re in Geneva, Switzerland. Land of watches, fondue, and international diplomacy, the last of which is oddly unremarked upon on this network television show about a woman who dates thirty men simultaneously.
One-on-One with Bryan
Big stakes this week, as Rachel wonders which guy should take her home next week for hometown dates. So Rachel enters their hotel room in virginal white to remind these guys that’s it’s not fantasy suite time yet. She announces that this week we’re getting three one-on-one dates, and then a group date with the three remaining dudes. Obviously, Rachel will use two of these one-on-one dates to see if she has any chemistry with Adam and Matt, two dudes who are inexplicably here and haven’t had any meaningful time alone with Rachel. Or so thought Adam and Matt! Instead, Bryan gets the tête-à-tête in Geneva. There’s no date card, so we’re robbed of any sweet Switzerland-related wordplay, but we can imagine what it would have said:
“In Geneva, your love is anything but Conventional—Rachel XOXO”
“I’m not feeling very neutral ‘bout you—Rachel XOXO”
“Let’s learn the fondues and fon-don’ts of wartime protocol by studying Article II of the Conventions—Rachel XOXO.”
Anyway, Bryan and Rachel’s date is brought to us by Bentley, as the luxury sedan gets shot like we’re watching an actual car commercial and not just overt product placement.
Advertisement in chintzy reality shows seems like it would be beneath a high-end brand like Bentley, but I think mentions of the vehicle have dropped off precipitously since its zenith in late 90s rap, so it’s got to make up market share somehow.
Bryan and Rachel drive their rented Bentley straight to a watch store, where we enter another commercial, this time for the luxury watch brand Breitling, whose models start around $4500. How much disposable income do these companies think the average Bachelorette viewer has?
Rachel balls out the lot and buys his and hers matching watches, and then makes out with Bryan in the showroom. They then get chartered on a private boat across Lake Geneva, while drinking champagne. Not even Gucci Mane at his peak could have thought of a more extravagant ode to conspicuous consumption than what we just witnessed. Also, more foreshadowing:
In the rest of the date, Rachel tries to get past Bryan’s smooth talking ways and develop a deeper connection with him. In an empty but extravagant concert hall, she asks questions about his family upbringing. In just two conversational steps, Bryan is able to shift that serious conversation into a flirty discussion of the school girl uniform Rachel wore in high school. Also, I learned that Bryan—who doesn’t have a wrinkle on his face or a gray hair on head—is somehow the oldest guy left at 37 years of age.
Meanwhile, Adam, back at their Swiss hotel, is in a tailspin, who says, “How is she going to pick Bryan again? I don’t know why she would want to pick a guy like that. It doesn’t make sense to me.” Well, Adam, Bryan is 37-going-on-23 and a sweet talk Jedi. Adam, on the other hand, looks like a crane operator.
Byran, unsurprisingly, gets the date rose and is the first guy guaranteed a spot for hometown week. Then a string quartet emerges in the balconies to play for Rach and Bryan. Was the string quartet lying in wait up there the entire time? Did they hear Rachel and Bryan’s intimate conversations? Did they at least have snacks?
One-on-One with Dean
Bryan got a ride in a Bentley, a watch worth a chiropractor’s monthly salary, and private concert on his date. What does Dean get for his one-on-one? He gets to go to church, where the mass will be held in a language he does not understand. Tough break, kid.
At least Dean—who, never forget, made the instantly regrettable statement that he’s ready to “go black” and “not go back” by dating Rachel—shows admirable restraint by not calling Rachel his “hot chocolate Swiss Miss” at any point during the date.
During the entire date, Rachel tries to get past Dean’s giggly façade and learn more about the 26 year old she’s considering marrying. When she prompts Dean to get real, he asks her questions like “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” and “What’s your favorite dinosaur?” She scoffs at this, but I mean, this is salient information. What if she, an adult woman with a law degree, did believe in the tooth fairy? That a magical sprite delivers U.S. currency to kids who lose their teeth? What if her favorite dinosaur was a stegosaurus? A dinosaur that had such a low brain-to-body mass ratio (it weighed two metric tons, but had the same size brain as a house cat) that people used to think it had a second brain in its stomach to control its tail. If your girl’s favorite dinosaur has a literal butt brain, that’s a deal breaker, my mans.
Dean finally accedes to Rachel’s demand that he gets real with her, and he admits that he’s nervous about Rachel meeting his family, considering his strained relationship with his father. Rachel tells him that she is not a monster, and won’t judge him based on his family, and gives him the date rose. Dean accepts her offer, potential trash dinosaur opinions notwithstanding.
One-on-One with Piggo
Rachel and Piggo take a helicopter to the Swiss Alps, where they go dog sledding. Piggo mentions how he feels a little insecure about Rachel dating a bunch of other men while he develops a connection with her. But what about Cooper, Rachel’s dog? Ever since Rachel’s been on this show, she’s been palling around with other dogs like those at the dog festival she and Piggo went to in Palm Springs and now with these fit, athletic, suave, European dogs? Rachel has some explaining to do.
If Rachel’s dates with Bryan and Dean were all about trying to pry and find something real beneath their facades, her date with Piggo is all about taking him at face value. Which is understandable—I mean, look at this face:
He gives some weird explanation of the last girl he dated, where he said their break up didn’t involve “any harm done” but then proceeds to describe leaving her and seeing her cry and acknowledging that he “abandoned” and “truly hurt her.” Piggo, that doesn’t make a damn lick of sense. We know Rachel, from her dealings with DeMario and Lee, is whip smart and a beast on cross-examination. She just takes Piggo at his word. She’s clearly smitten. You heard it hear first: Piggo’s got this in the bag.
Piggo gets the date rose, and will be our third hometown host.
We’re left with the afterthoughts for the end of the episode. Eric, Matt, and Adam compete for the remaining rose. For this group date, this foursome will get to do the best thing you can do in Switzerland: go to France. “Switzerland: It’s next to France.” Brought to you by the Tourism Board of Switzerland.
On the date, Adam talks about how the date card discussed Rachel’s “difficult” decision ahead of her. Adam takes issue with the word difficult, noting that he doesn’t believe that anything is “difficult”—that some things may be “challenging,” sure, but that nothing is “difficult.” Well, Adam, when you look up “difficult”: in the thesaurus, the fourth word that follows is literally “challenging.” Those words mean the same thing dude. And nothing is “difficult”? That’s insane bruh. Running a mile in 4 minutes. That’s difficult. Eating 37 chicken wings. That’s difficult. Scoring above a 170 on the LSAT while drunk on expired Four Loko. That’s difficult. Getting past this group date. That’s gonna be difficult for you fam.
Eric has a much more realistic take on life, acknowledging that Rachel’s process here is hard; but also that life is hard, but worth it.
Rachel cuts Matt first. When cutting Matt, Rachel is in tears, noting that Matt was the contestant that reminded her most of herself. The producers must have left evidence of this connection on the cutting room floor. During this, Matt actually comes across as a chill, mature guy, and now I feel bad for making jokes at his expense over the course of this blog.
We then get the face-off between Eric and Adam. These gladiators are brought to the battle pit where they will face off in figurative fisticuffs.
Look, some stuff happens. Things are said, concerns are raised, kisses given, doubts addressed. We know where this is going though right? Eric gets the date rose, and we finally have what has felt for the last few weeks like our inevitable final four.
Getting through these last few episodes has been a little tough, but I am going to Swiss this show when it’s gone.