The light at the end of a seemingly endless tunnel.
It’s Election Day! You might be wondering how this election will affect law school grads. We’ve combed through the troves of secret, leaked documents and insider tips from both campaigns to deliver our predictions.
If Trump Wins
Whispers out of the Trump campaign: President Trump will form a new legal unit within the Department of Homeland Security nicknamed the “Enemies List Group.” The Enemies List Group will do double duty as a prosecutor’s office and presidential defense team.
The Group will be staffed exclusively by graduates of the Donald J. Trump Law Center—a member of the Trump University Companies, a limited liability Delaware corporation. First year classes at the Law Center include Twitter and the Law, Defamation Law, Tax, and an innovative clinic called Toxic Hair Torts. The clinic will work with a historically underserved group—the bald-but-not-yet-ready-to-accept-it community. The community has long suffered at the hands of charlatans peddling false promises of hair regrowth and scalp concealment and it’s nice to see that finally someone will get sued. Larry David has already committed to endowing a professorship.
To promote the Law Center, Trump will force the Supreme Court justices to hire their clerks exclusively from the Center. The campaign predicts that within three years the Law Center will leap to the front of the U.S. News law school rankings, as even the most ardent Trump-hating law student won’t be able to resist the “yuge” prestige bump of attending the President’s law school.
Trump, aware of the distain with which law students view the third year of law school, will do away with all classes during the third year at his Law Center. Instead, students will spend the year after their graduation working for the new U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Masonry Unit as it oversees Mexico’s construction of the Great Trump Wall.
If Hillary Wins
Hillary Clinton’s “First Day Memo” has been making the rounds on the major networks. It purports to be a list of action times for Hillary’s first day in office. Unsurprisingly, the mainstream media seem to have missed the big story though.
Still bitter over failing the D.C. Bar Exam and barely holding her public face on the issue together, Hilary plans on doing away with the D.C. Bar Exam all together. Instead, the Clinton Foundation will be accepting donations to form a special action committee—staffed by other Yale Law School grads who flunked the bar exam—to investigate the issue.
The First Day Memo also hints at some of the activities of the First Lord, Bill Clinton. While the Memo has been very vague, one thing’s for certain: the First Lord will install a gazebo and hot tub on top of First Lady Michelle Obama’s Whitehouse vegetable garden. Rumors out of the campaign suggest that First Lord Bill will run and host his next speaking tour entirely from the gazebo. And yes, there will be blackjack.
The new speaking tour will focus on promoting the First Lord’s new textbook on jurisprudence. Perhaps the First Lord might advance the metaphysics of jurisprudence, finally helping us come to grips with what the meaning of “is” is.
Please keep the tips and rumors coming in throughout what could very well be our final election day.